Being Seen
The past few months have been quite a lot for me.
I encountered some health challenges that meant I couldn’t run or lift weights the way I used to.
I started working on my doctorate at USC. I can’t help but compare it to when I was doing the same at UC Berkeley and that brings up sad feelings at times.
I also ended a thing but learned that chemistry isn’t the same as being understood.
I manage a lot. I’m a single parent and my son is going through a lot of his own really tough things.
I work at a boarding school which sounds super ideal and it is at times. But faculty live here because the kids live here and their stuff doesn’t end at 3pm. I also coach two seasons which was especially difficult when we were trying to figure out my health challenges.
And I still run two companies.
My colleague came up to me the other day and said, “I don’t how you’re doing all that you’re doing.” I don’t either, to be honest. I just keep choosing what feels true, like:
Watching my son interact with our golden retriever and cat.
Watching the Warriors (I haven’t missed a game in five years) and realizing they play the Knicks during spring break.
Enjoying a hot cup of something while listening to something on vinyl.
Reading a new book.
Listening to my son talk about Okonkwo’s tragic end.
Smiling big when one of the kids falls for my mom joke: “It smells like up dog in here.” *Waits for someone to say “what’s up dog?”*
Listening to an album I haven’t listened to in years.
Realizing my son only uses the expensive body wash now. My bad.
Watching my athletes exceed their own expectations.
Listening to my students talk about how they did something well and me following up with, “yasssss!”
Listening to my son read an essay out loud and hearing him say “per se” ten times.
Getting treats for the kids during finals and seeing them make sure everyone gets something.
Getting in the weight room with the kids and lifting more than them :)
I learned in therapy that when something feels off, to ask myself, what is true? In the moments when I’ve felt sad or confused, it is almost always because what I know to be true isn’t matching the interaction. That typically means the interaction or relationship needs to end. I’ve mourned the ending of things a lot, like my time at UC Berkeley and that thing I mentioned, until I recognize that what was true can still exist when something ends.
That said, I found that when I asked that question of my company, Bridge to College, I couldn’t figure out what was true. Investors have different incentives and these may collide with my own incentives, especially those that maintained my values. One set of incentives might be making money as quickly as possible with the least amount of money as possible. Another set of incentives might be getting as many kids through college as possible. Both sets of incentives create different sets of truths and these may not intersect. I spent a lot of time trying to make those intersect, and I was up against a set of truths that would exist regardless of my pushback. I found that I was waking up each day trying to make other people money in a way that was incredibly unhealthy for me. That was what I saw as true.
So I closed up and restarted and reimagined.
Last week, I met with a student and did “what is true?” with him. He talked about wanting to be seen, his love for engineering, and wanting to be known as something more than his race. He lit up.
I told him I heard him and we would get that done.
And as I said it, I realized that’s what I’ve been doing for myself too.
What is true?
I love to teach.
I love to build.
I love to lift heavy things.
I love to watch the Warriors and listen to vinyl and ask better questions.
I love helping kids become more themselves.
Those things were true before Berkeley.
They were true before investors.
They were true before that thing I mentioned.
They’re still true now.
When something ends, what was true doesn’t disappear. You just stop negotiating with things that distort it.
