What did I learn today?
A few weeks ago, I turned 48. I didn’t care too much about it, to be honest. I remember turning 30 and 40, and I’ll probably do a big thing when I turn 50; so 48 didn’t seem like much except to note that time keeps passing. The thing I said I would do at 30 or 45 still hasn’t happened and time keeps passing. So I turned 48 and I learned what it was like to feel just slightly disappointed.
But I did make a new set of promises to myself: I will run the NYC Marathon. I’ve gained a lot of weight and I’m not running regularly BUT if you put it out in the universe, you have to do it!
I am also returning to my journal more.
And I’m sticking up for myself more. I sometimes hear someone say something about me that isn’t true and to sort of keep the peace, I don’t address it. But peace at the expense of being a doormat doesn’t feel good either.
At the same time, I have also learned to stop blaming myself. I have always made an effort to not be the bad thing that happened in someone’s day. The intern teacher who shadows me once commented that the kids just genuinely like me. I told him that I want to earn their trust because one day I’m going to say something they won’t like and I want them to know it comes from a place of care. So I spend a lot of time making sure they know I care about them. And when something goes wrong, with the kids or whomever, I also know that there were a ton of other things that could be to blame and I don’t have to shoulder that.
The biggest thing that I have learned is that the trauma of the years before I arrived in New Jersey aren’t healed yet. It will take some time, I know. And it is frustrating when things creep up again. Sometimes a person behaves in a way that reminds me of something terrible. Or I feel…small (I think that’s the best way to say it) in some of the interactions with colleagues, investors, or potential new friends. At least a doormat takes up space. Feeling small is much worse.
So I’m 48. I ran a mile straight the other day. Twenty-five more to go. I have also been working on these yoga push ups. Those are rewarding! And my squats are getting better every time. And I’m going to try making Cornish hen for Thanks-taking. I didn’t even know what that was until a few days ago.
Let’s get it.
V
